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"Happiness starts with a healthy mind, body and spirit."

Copyright © 2019, Dr. Vernita Marsh & Associates.  All rights reserved.

Being Haunted By Loneliness

August 28, 2017

“Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” -Robert Frost

Even the most satisfied single person has fantasized about having love. Everyone craves a relationship that provides deep connection, passionate romance, and the emotional security that we as humans desperately need for survival. Can you relate to the struggles of Mary Jane Paul from Being Mary Jane? Have you noticed in your own life that celebrating successes like having an exciting career or reaching a milestone birthday or attaining other accomplishments never feel like it’s enough to help you to feel happy?

 

 When women find themselves searching for perfection while racing the clock, it becomes a preoccupying task that minimizes her ability to enjoy the moment. Too often, in love and in relationships, people tend to be overly concerned with the past or the future, so it doesn’t allow the person to be in the here-and-now.  Mary Jane is so fixated on finding love, that she settles for damaged, emotionally unavailable men. And when she has an opportunity to be happy in a healthy relationship, she can usually find a way to self-sabotage. She flies into fits of rage or emotional breakdowns when she feels rejected because her sense of self-worth is so poor. Rejection is the worst thing to be experienced by someone with a fragile ego. It reinforces the person’s worst fear that they are unacceptable and unlovable. All single people get lonely sometimes, but have you ever considered paying $20,000 for a matchmaker?!!  Well maybe not, but I suspect that you can relate to her level of desperation.

 

Desperation often leads people to make poor decisions as it relates to dating and relationships. The choices that an individual makes, comes to be the decisions that create that person’s life.  When things don’t go the way you’d like, it is tempting to blame others or even the universe for unfortunate circumstances. However, the reality is that we have little control over others’ behaviors or the universe. We control how we respond to unfortunate circumstances. So as a person comes to realize that they are noticing repeated patterns in romantic relationships, it is clear that the person is unconsciously committed to these repeated patterns or circumstances. Drs. Kathylyn and Gay Hendricks have written extensively about the significance of taking responsibility for the circumstances of your life as being the key to creating what you really want in life. If certain things in your relationships keep happening, it is because you are unconsciously committed to inviting these things into your life.  If you notice that you are repeatedly being cheated on in relationships, you are unconsciously committed to inviting romantic partners in your life that are dishonest and disloyal. Similarly, if you notice that you keep feeling lonely, you are unconsciously committed to being lonely. Where do you remember learning that it makes sense to feel this way? Are you ready to change your unconscious commitments? Like Mary Jane, it takes conscious commitment to work on improving the trajectory of your relationships.

 

Are you struggling to navigate dating and singlehood? Would you like to find out how you can attract an emotionally available relationship into your life? Would you like tools to learn how to communicate better and increase your emotional and sexual intimacy in your relationship? Are you interested in Emotionally focused couples therapy?  If you want to know more information about some of these questions, review this video and give us a call!

 

 

 

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